2021 was the year in which I picked up the pieces of me that were broken by 2020 and slowly stuck myself back together. My original plan for the year was to do my Masters in Fine Arts at Rhodes University and so I moved everything I own to Makhanda (formerly known as Grahamstown). The problem with this was that I was in a dull haze after having been prescribed a menagerie of different antidepressants, and a huge creative block hung over me as the side effects ripped me of my energy, drive and ability to concentrate. I know that this type of medication works for some people but it did not work for me.

At the time of making this decision to do my Masters, I couldn’t have imagined taking time off to heal as I was so conditioned into thinking that I needed to be consistently productive and achieve goals. Makhanda became a place of sadness for me. On a quest to get better and figure out what to actually do for my Masters degree, I followed my intuition and began to travel around South Africa.

In a Masters in Fine Arts program, the student has a year to experiment, research and write a proposal. Once this is accepted by the University we have another year to write a thesis about our research topic and make an exhibition about this. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do but I knew it would involve the ocean and underwater photography. To be honest it was an over ambitious plan to go from being a full time commercial land photographer of over 12 years to an academic and an underwater artist in the blink of an eye, especially considering the mental health issues I was dealing with.

I vacillated between the ocean and the Karoo without a specific plan, knowing only that my heart was calling me to where I could go inward and be held by these vast expansive spaces.

During this journey where I traversed the country, I learnt to trust my gut and open my heart to possibilities and serendipitous opportunities and acquired more knowledge and understanding about ME than I had in any of the other years I’ve walked this earth.

Despite several onerous challenges which resulted in some lows and depressive spirals, I’ve gained self awareness and an understanding of my own triggers and wounds, and have surrendered to the fact that we really do not know what is around the corner. Life is so short. In the last two years I’ve lost five people who were dear to me. This experience has awakened me to the fact that nothing is permanent, not even sadness. We need to learn to be more present. I now feel even more grateful for the good times and know that the tough times are there to force us into growth and renewal.

To be human is to suffer but there is also so much joy to be experienced. I have followed my bliss this year. The difficult times have been matched by some beautiful experiences and there have been many moments whilst staring up at the blanket of stary Karoo skies or whilst swimming in pods of dolphins that I have had to pinch myself to ensure that I am indeed alive, and that this is in fact my new life.

2021 was the most profound of all my years on this planet!

In previous years when I have done a “Best Of” blog post, I’ve listed achievements that often included winning awards, buying property or being placed on lists citing me as being one of the best wedding photographers in the world. These accolades feel insignificant and somewhat vapid after everything that I’ve been through recently.

So, here’s the list of my wins for 2021:

• I managed to get off all antidepressants despite the crushing side effects of withdrawal from SNRI’s which included brain zaps (electric shock type of sensations in the head), headaches, fatigue, dizziness and depression.
• I learnt to freedive and embarked on training with Libby Meyer and Natalie Rudman to do my Molchanovs certifications. This has given me more joy than any other sport or pastime I’ve done in my life.
• I met a whole new community of friends through freediving who have become like family.
• My underwater housing finally arrived from Aquatech after getting lost in the post and I began taking photos below the surface of the ocean. This is something I’ve been wanting to do ever since I picked up a camera way back when I was an undergrad student.
• I had many fun adventures all over South Africa and have met so many interesting people. I also spent a lot of time traveling alone, getting to know and “date” myself!
• I made a set of vulnerable self portraits exploring my mental health issues and spoke publicly about what I had been through. This was difficult for me to do due to the stigma around this, but I do believe in authenticity and that by being open I could potentially help someone else.
• After working with a Jungian psychologist and doing a guided psylo psybin journey we managed to turn down the volume of the inner critic who was raging inside of my head and I began an expedition towards self love and better self care.
• I worked through my creative block and learnt to be more gentle on myself.
• I connected more deeply with my friends and family and spent meaningful times with my nieces, nephew and god children.
• I enrolled on the Flowgenome online course and culminated the year in a very good routine which involves getting up early to do yoga, cardio, breath work and more.
• I gained the understanding that I can’t alter other people’s opinions of me, but I can change the way that I think about myself. I worked hard on myself and managed to climb out of a dark pit and into a place of acceptance knowing that life is full of ups and downs and that seasons come and go.

Here are a selection of photos that I have taken over the past year. Some of these were commissioned by clients, some were just for me. Thank you to everyone who has trusted me to take their photo.

Now that I look at all this work there is a mixture of styles going on here! And that’s okay as it’s all a work in progress! I am looking forward to seeing what comes up for me and out of me in 2022. I’m excited to get shooting again!

Thanks so much to all my friends, family and acquaintances who have helped and supported me along this crazy ride. I am so grateful for you.

PS In case you were wondering, I have decided to take a leave of absence from my Masters until I am more clear on my research topic and where I want to make my home.

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