COVID 19 LOCK DOWN DIARIES – WEEK THREE

My friend asked me: “how are you doing Jax?”

“I’m good” I said,

“But then, I’m also bad”.

“It’s a rollercoaster” I said.

I needed to unpack what this rollercoaster consisted of, so I went on to say:

“I was so sad

And then I was glad”.

“One minute up, and the next minute down.”

“I spent 3 hours crying till I felt like my face might turn into a raisin but then I pulled myself toward myself, did some yoga, zoom called a friend, forced myself to eat, put on some psytrance and danced around while sweeping the house, I went to my home office to try and work but then I went into the garden because working seemed impossible, so I planted out some herbs and I felt Ok.

Ok one moment, but then slipping into terror then next. The anxiety came back to sit on my chest like a tray of bricks – which are heavy and dull and make it hard to breathe. My mind tumbled into the trauma of the world, the collective global energy of fear and the plight of South Africa which is shaky at best. All those empty tummy’s without work or food. My heart bleeds for Africa. And then all of my personal demons are all unleashed and the sludge of pain that I’ve been carrying around in the far corners of my heart that I haven’t thought about with all the busyness of life wack me right in the face. They don’t just wack me. I’m bowled over with a massive force that knocks me off my feet.  I can’t move. I thought I was over this shit. I cry again. I can’t put food in my own mouth despite the fact that I am lucky enough to have a full cupboard. One meal a day is OK right? Why is everyone sending that meme about the fact that they are getting a tan from the fridge light?

I decide to write a gratitude list. Oh I have so much to be grateful for. I feel a moment of bliss and I look up at the light glittering through the trees. I am in the moment. I feel happy. I have SO many people that I love. And then I feel bad for all the people less fortunate than me.

I start thinking of my 10 year career as a wedding and portrait photographer. What will happen to my business? What about my family. Will they be ok? I start to slide, so I write another 10 things I am grateful for.

My phone beeps again. It’s another video from the family group. I have no space on my phone left – its so freaking clogged with videos. I start deleting stuff and the next minute you know I have opened Facebook.

I hate social media right now. Every time I take a peek all I see are large bolshie opinions, conspiracy theories, so much judgement, insane fear and don’t get me started on all the positivity priests sprouting sermons. I can’t deal with all the ego so I’ve been avoiding it, but then I get sucked in and realise that I’ve wasted a whole hour looking at Facebook. Uuurgh ! My business coach told me to create before you consume and I find myself chastising myself yet again.

I literally cannot watch the news. Like at all.

Work has been hard. I feel like I have ADHD. One minute I’m working and the next I’m hanging the washing up. I’m strung out like the bras on the line. I berate myself for not being productive and prolific like the people on their Instagram stories. I’m battling to make a piece of toast let alone a flipping banana bread or an online program. Deep down I know that everyone is putting on their highlight show reel or furiously working out of desperation to save their families or in a bid to escape, but I still find myself thinking that I should be using this time to work on my business. There seems to be so much pressure to thrive during lock down, or at least that is how I’m personally reading it. I also know that this is not a normal situation, and is unlike anything that our generations have ever experienced, so everyone is dealing with things in their own unique way.

I’ve read all the Eckhart Tolle books and I know that true happiness is found in the present moment. I teach this stuff on my workshops. Mindfulness used to be my middle name. I’m well aware that I’m spiralling, and that I should be meditating and be more like a zen, jedi monk. That would help. My mind also tells me that bottle of wine would help, but hey we can’t get any of that  in South Africa anymore.

I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning, but this evening I was playing banging tunes and scrubbing the toilet with gusto in my Afrika Burn mermaid pants. I have absolutely no motivation to make art. I have minimal motivation to work on my business and I have pretty much zero motivation to be alive. This is not like me.

It’s a rollercoaster I said”.

And then it really hits me.

The truth is that I’ve been so in incredibly hard on myself.

My mind is the enemy.

I’m actually depressed as %$*@ and I’m right down the rabbit hole. Deep down in the abyss of a dark black, inky pit.

I need to find my creative power again.

I make the decision to do so.

I decide to work on myself, instead of beating myself up.

I know that break downs are sometimes the best way to rise up. This isn’t the first time that I’ve hit rock bottom.

This isn’t the first time that I’ve had to find myself again.

I know that being being broken down to ones core often results in metamorphosing into one’s innate power.

I start taking the steps toward finding my artist’s heart.

And …………………………………..

These photos are the result of this process that I’m undergoing. This is most certainly the most vulnerable post that I’ve ever made.

These photos are the beginning of my shift, the outward expression of what was in my heart.

What a time to be alive!!!

May you be kind and gentle to yourself and others around you. Everyone is going through something tough at the moment. Even the lucky ones and especially the not so lucky ones.

P.S. I made these lock down portraits with the help of my great friend and prison mate Julia Buttery, a Manfrotto tripod, my Nikon D750, my Profoto B10 and 2 A1s. Every single picture is lit with flash – I gave myself that challenge. It was the most fun that I’ve had in a very long time!

Thanks Julia for being my muse, my assistant and shutter presser. The world would be immensely sad without you, you bring the sparkle and the AAI AAAI AAAAAAAI! You’ve brought so much joy to my life and I am so immensely grateful for you. Thanks also to Dylan McGarry for your encouragement and for helping me to be brave and speak with words and pictures. You are my greatest inspiration. Thanks also to my brother in law Tyrone Bradley who’s opinion I respect so immensely. You are creativity on wheels and motivate me so much.

Share this